Life is good, and God is better.
Like all large moments in life, one month feels both entirely too long and too short to encompass all that has happened. I feel as if I have aged eight years and the person I was just four months ago is already a very distant shade of who I am now. We still go about our day and talk with family plans very much at the forefront. I know for some people it’s better for them to give their hearts and bodies a break, for a multitude of reasons. For us this whole experience has very much solidified how badly we want to be parents. That we are parents, but with an empty room in our home. That we want to immediately continue that pursuit. There are times when we see, hear, or say a certain something that stings a little and makes us pause, but we just grab a hand and give a sad smile before moving forward. A great place of comfort and solace and laughter for me has been Allana — a friend that I found through here and in the short time we’ve been writing each other has already become very dear to me. The similarities between our lives and struggles and thoughts and plans and beliefs and hopes are eerily close despite her being in Amsterdam while I am in Atlanta. There are some moments when you’re able to see just a glimpse of God’s plan for you so clear and sharp; meeting Allana was one of those moments. Thank you, friend! I am as hopeful and wanting for your future as I am for my own. (:
It’s been helpful to throw myself into activities and projects like yoga and sprucing up our backyard. The grand majority of the time I am really happy and (while the tiniest bit scared) excited for what’s to come. I have to admit though, I do feel obligated to express that happiness as if to put those around us at ease. I’m finding that much like a wedding, pregnancy is not just for the couple but for everyone around them as well. It follows that the grieving of a lost pregnancy is the same. Taking on and bearing the emotions and reactions of other people is something that, as an introverted middle child, I’ve done my entire life and this was no different. As tiring as it was/is at times, I don’t say that to paint it as a negative or painstaking thing (and certainly not to paint myself as some martyr)! I say it to admit and be honest about the fact that I’m not handling everything with perfect grace and a warm heart. I bring it up because it’s something that I’m learning about myself; in my efforts to be someone who is strong and capable I do not yet know how to unload my burdens to the people who want to share them with me. I know only how to pick up. With every heartfelt word or embrace, I tell myself I must add theirs to the pile. And it gets heavier. I’m not sure where to go with that from here. Perhaps that’s why the rest of the world moves on shortly after loss. They have to so that you have room for your own stuff.
Those weren’t exactly the words that I set out to give to you guys today. But here they are just the same. I want to challenge myself to be honest and open. But, I don’t know where the line is — the one where the dam has given out and I’m asking too much of the people who want to help me. And so I hold back everything just in case.
This has to be a step though, right? This public writing space of mine. This has to be movement in the right direction.
I don’t know if with our next pregnancy we will carry to full term and deliver our healthy baby. I don’t know if we’ll have a family biologically at all. But I do know that we are parents. And that God has picked out a soul and a body for that soul. And whether they are on their way or already here on this Earth, we will have the rest of our family home one day.