I took a few days off from work this week so I could have some time to myself. I was feeling so exhausted after the onslaught that was this past weekend and as comforting as everyone has been, I needed to be away from it all for a bit. I gave myself permission to basically do whatever I wanted without holding it up against a scale of productivity as I often do. And so, this week has consisted of a lot of book reading, tea drinking, trashy television show watching (Are You The One on MTV… it’s a sickness), Pinteresting, strawberry eating, dog cuddling, yoga class-ing, and one too many PayDay bars.
I’ve had a lot of up and down moments. I’ve been saying, “We’re trusting in God’s plan for us,” and I realized what I really meant by that was, “I’m counting on our next pregnancy to happen quickly and without complication and God had better be on board with that plan.” I’m very solution-oriented. And when there’s not an answer to a problem or a coherent set of steps for me to take, I become anxious. It’s hard for me to process my emotions into neat little boxes when the best solution I can come up with is, “Well.. we’ll wait and see.”
Tuesday night I finally got around to using my birthday present of a set of yoga classes. I chose a yin yoga class which is a style of yoga where the poses are held for around five minutes each. The instructor announced that she’d like for the intention of our practice to be struggle and more specifically whatever it is that we are currently struggling with. I would have bet the meager contents of my bank account that she was inside of my brain reading my thoughts as she went on to explain the strength gained from and the importance of settling into the discomfort of holding a pose for such a long period of time. She talked of not fighting against your threshold but accepting it and breathing through it. Tears burned their way down my cheeks and I thanked the lights for being so dim. I breathed and fidgeted my way through a lizard pose and thought to myself, “This hurts. This hurts and it’s also exactly what I need to be doing.” The parallel between my practice and my life became glaringly obvious in that dark room. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told Andrew, “I wish I could just skip these next few months and fast forward to the next part.” But I can’t do that. God needs me here and I need to be here. I’m reaching my threshold and I can’t get up and walk away from it.
I have to breathe through it.